The following text originates from a fictional dialogue between a pastor, a legalist, an antinomian, and a young Christian, as written by Edward Fisher in his 1650 book The Marrow of Modern Divinity. This is one of the most beautiful explanations of the gospel of grace that I have read.
"I tell you from Christ,
and under the hand of the Spirit,
that your person is accepted,
your sins are done away,
and you shall be saved;
and if an angel from heaven should tell you otherwise,
let him be accursed.
Therefore, you may (without doubt) conclude
that you are a happy man;
for by means of this your matching with Christ,
you are become one with him,
and one in him,
you ‘dwell in him, and he in you’ (1 John 4:13).
He is ‘your well beloved, and you are his’ (S. of S. 2:16).
So that the marriage union betwixt Christ and you
is more than a bare notion or apprehension of your mind;
for it is a
special,
spiritual, and
real union:
it is an union betwixt the nature of Christ,
God and man,
and you;
it is a knitting and closing,
not only of your apprehension with a Saviour,
but also of your soul with a Saviour.
Whence it must needs follow that you cannot be condemned,
except Christ be condemned with you;
neither can Christ be saved,
except you be saved with him.
And as by means of corporeal marriage all things become common betwixt man and wife;
even so, by means of this spiritual marriage,
all things become common betwixt Christ and you;
for when Christ hath married his spouse unto himself,
he passeth over all his estate unto her;
so that whatsoever Christ is or hath,
you may boldly challenge as your own.
‘He is made unto you, of God,
wisdom,
righteousness,
sanctification,
and redemption’ (1 Cor. 1:30).
And surely,
by virtue of this near union it is,
that as Christ is called ‘the Lord our righteousness’ (Jer. 23:6),
even so is the church called, ‘the Lord our righteousness’ (33:16).
I tell you,
you may,
by virtue of this union,
boldly take upon yourself,
as your own,
Christ’s watching,
abstinence,
travails,
prayers,
persecutions,
and slanders;
yea,
his tears,
his sweat,
his blood,
and all that ever he did
and suffered
in the space of three and thirty years,
with his
passion,
death,
burial,
resurrection,
and ascension;
for they are all yours.
And as Christ passes over all his estate unto his spouse,
so does he require that she should pass over all unto him.
Wherefore,
you being now married unto Christ,
you must give all that you have of your own unto him;
and truly you have nothing of your own
but sin,
and, therefore, you must give him that.
I beseech you, then,
say unto Christ with bold confidence,
I give unto thee, my dear husband,
my unbelief,
my mistrust,
my pride,
my arrogancy,
my ambition,
my wrath,
and anger,
my envy,
my covetousness,
my evil thoughts,
affections,
and desires;
I make one bundle of these and all my other offences,
and give them unto thee.
And thus was Christ made ‘sin for us, that knew no sin, that we might be made the righteousness of God in him’ (2 Cor. 5:21).
‘Now then,’
says Luther,
‘let us compare these things together,
and we shall find inestimable treasure.
Christ is full of
grace,
life,
and saving health;
and the soul is freight-full of all
sin,
death,
and damnation;
but let faith come betwixt these two,
and it shall come to pass,
that Christ shall be laden with
sin,
death,
and hell;
and unto the soul shall be imputed
grace,
life,
and salvation.
Who then is able to value the royalty of this marriage accordingly?
Who is able to comprehend the glorious riches of his grace,
where this rich and righteous husband,
Christ,
doth take unto wife this poor and wicked harlot,
redeeming her from all devils,
and garnishing her with all his own jewels?
So that you,
through the assuredness of your faith in Christ, your husband,
are delivered from all sins,
made safe from death,
guarded from hell,
and endowed with the
everlasting righteousness,
life,
and saving health
of this your husband Christ.’”
—Edward Fisher, The Marrow of Modern Divinity (Christian Focus, 2009), pp. 166–167.
I very much want this book. I am presently on a quest...
Sheila: (shē-lə), n. 1. Saint 2. Poet 3. Lover of home and church life. synonyms: simple, happy, free. antonymns: cynical, religious, legalist
(please do excuse the pearls with the jeans. I left my top half exactly as I had dressed it before church, and switched just the bottom half for the picnic, after church. Before the jeans and slip on shoes, I was wearing the cutest pair of woolen, menswear style, navy blue, cuffed-hem trousers, with a wide leg ~ accessorized with navy blue and burgundy leather spectator pumps. See how the sweater-and-pearls then comprised a classic outfit? I rocked it) ::perky sniff::"The hearth is the heart of the home...(there are those who have) lost the sense of the sacredness of the home (and I would say also "the church"). They still believe in the respectability of the home (and church); but that is only another way of saying that they want to be respected by other people for reverencing what they do not really reverence...there is/was never any flame upon their altar...(thus) a generation in revolt flee from a cold hearth (and church)...
...but a family (or church) will really do without rules exactly in proportion as it is a successful family (church)...
...in order that life should be a story of romance to us, it is necessary that a great part of it should be settled for us without our permission. If we wish life to be a system, this may be a nuisance; but if we wish it to be a drama, it is an essential...
...A man has control over enough things in his life to be the hero of a novel. But if he had control over everything, there would be so much hero that there would be no novel. And the reason why the lives of the wealthy are at bottom so tame and uneventful is simply that they can choose the events. They are dull because they are omnipotent. They fail to feel the adventures because they can make the adventures. The thing which keeps life romantic and full of fiery possibilities is the existence of these great plain limitations which force all of us to meet the things we do not like or do not expect...
...To be in a romance is to be in uncongenial surroundings...
...our fathers believed in the links of kinship and also in the links of logic. Today, our logic consists mostly of missing links; and our family largely of absent members...
Today, there are fewer places to discover. The real adventure is to stay home (both to stay home-home, and to stay with your church home)."
~G.K. Chesterton (parenthetical associations are my own. Robert Frost said that an idea is a feat of association. I believe it! )
I Cannot Choose!
Today has been one of those days (they happen to me pretty often) where I have contemplated a thousand thoughts of beauty. Which one to choose? What to send out, to take its place in the trillions of words and billions of ideas sloshing around the internet this day?
My (so far) 18 month obsession with 3X5 index cards as an organizational tool? The thought of a Blackberry is tempting but unnecessary, PDA's DOA, and even my Outlook cannot outshine the simple, earthy, physical act of putting pen to paper - paper that happens to be the perfect size and intensely portable. Many more ideas have been captured, to be examined at my leisure, rather than sneaking away.
The autumn colors? I could write about them. I nearly run off the road every year, about this time. October 2009 is no exception.
The way I have discovered that I have to shield the eyes of my tiny parrotlet, when I walk with him, to keep him from getting too nervous and flighty? Oh, how the Lord would gather you under His wing, dear one! He would shield your furtive eyes from the unsafe terrain of human wisdom, but "you would not". We insist on our own understanding, we insist on walking in the light of our own eyes. Consequently, we become flighty and impulsive. We fly away when it would be safer to sit still until the feeling of confusion or unrest or boredom or anxiety passes. We move too fast, with too little wisdom. "Like a bird who wanders from his nest, is a man who wanders away from his place." (Proverbs 27:8)
We think we know where we belong, we think we know where to "go", when it is safest and sanest to sit still, and not try to see All Things.
What about this comment, left by someone I do not know, about grace? "Grace is a funny thing to talk about because it’s often thrown into conversations or sermons and I have no idea what it means. It seems very “airy” with no real content." I wish this man John could come to my church! His thoughts mirror what the majority of Christians perceive about grace, were they only honest enough to admit it.
Grace is a loaded concept. It is more than a concept. It is a Person, it is a Plan, it is beautiful and scandalous, it is a way of living, it is a way of seeing, it is utterly foundational. It RE-news your mind, over and over and over again, as you grow in it. Grace is the gospel, and the gospel is the grace of God. John's words, typed into the seeming-nothingness of his computer monitor, echo the condition of the whole church, and I find my heart tenderly breaking.
I know my life's mission. No heartbreak, no mission. Find where your heart breaks, and you'll know.
What about the joys of lobster bisque soup? Had some today. It could be an entire blog post. I could make it work.
Or the fact that, at the gentle, persistent urging of Ann Voskamp's blog "A Holy Experience", I have joined the many, many who are keeping a gratitude journal, and journaling our way to 1,000 gifts of God to be thankful for? You should see my list, begun only recently:
1. Coffee, with white chocolate macadamia cream and a touch of sugar
2. A quiet Saturday afternoon, watching football with my Tim.
3. A busy Sunday with saints who happen to be my best friends - all of them!
4. The warmth of a pocket parrot on the back of my neck.
5. The effect of Comet on stainless steel sinks.
6. The canary's song.
7. The flickering of a candle beside my bed.
8. Neckrubs from my youngest son.
That's just a few - there's more, and I only started this past week.
Or, I could blog on and on today, regarding the one phrase in Scripture: "This man Jesus...went about doing good..." It has inspired me, day after day, for about a week to ten days, now. I have fresh context for doing good - a context I didn't have before. I see in my spirit a brand new zeal to simply find someone, and do good. Good, for its own sake, is so....so good....so God-like.
Maybe I could share about my own personal version of Lauds and Vespers? Lovely thoughts, those.
Blast it, I can't choose.
My (so far) 18 month obsession with 3X5 index cards as an organizational tool? The thought of a Blackberry is tempting but unnecessary, PDA's DOA, and even my Outlook cannot outshine the simple, earthy, physical act of putting pen to paper - paper that happens to be the perfect size and intensely portable. Many more ideas have been captured, to be examined at my leisure, rather than sneaking away.
The autumn colors? I could write about them. I nearly run off the road every year, about this time. October 2009 is no exception.
The way I have discovered that I have to shield the eyes of my tiny parrotlet, when I walk with him, to keep him from getting too nervous and flighty? Oh, how the Lord would gather you under His wing, dear one! He would shield your furtive eyes from the unsafe terrain of human wisdom, but "you would not". We insist on our own understanding, we insist on walking in the light of our own eyes. Consequently, we become flighty and impulsive. We fly away when it would be safer to sit still until the feeling of confusion or unrest or boredom or anxiety passes. We move too fast, with too little wisdom. "Like a bird who wanders from his nest, is a man who wanders away from his place." (Proverbs 27:8)
We think we know where we belong, we think we know where to "go", when it is safest and sanest to sit still, and not try to see All Things.
What about this comment, left by someone I do not know, about grace? "Grace is a funny thing to talk about because it’s often thrown into conversations or sermons and I have no idea what it means. It seems very “airy” with no real content." I wish this man John could come to my church! His thoughts mirror what the majority of Christians perceive about grace, were they only honest enough to admit it.
Grace is a loaded concept. It is more than a concept. It is a Person, it is a Plan, it is beautiful and scandalous, it is a way of living, it is a way of seeing, it is utterly foundational. It RE-news your mind, over and over and over again, as you grow in it. Grace is the gospel, and the gospel is the grace of God. John's words, typed into the seeming-nothingness of his computer monitor, echo the condition of the whole church, and I find my heart tenderly breaking.
I know my life's mission. No heartbreak, no mission. Find where your heart breaks, and you'll know.
What about the joys of lobster bisque soup? Had some today. It could be an entire blog post. I could make it work.
Or the fact that, at the gentle, persistent urging of Ann Voskamp's blog "A Holy Experience", I have joined the many, many who are keeping a gratitude journal, and journaling our way to 1,000 gifts of God to be thankful for? You should see my list, begun only recently:
1. Coffee, with white chocolate macadamia cream and a touch of sugar
2. A quiet Saturday afternoon, watching football with my Tim.
3. A busy Sunday with saints who happen to be my best friends - all of them!
4. The warmth of a pocket parrot on the back of my neck.
5. The effect of Comet on stainless steel sinks.
6. The canary's song.
7. The flickering of a candle beside my bed.
8. Neckrubs from my youngest son.
That's just a few - there's more, and I only started this past week.
Or, I could blog on and on today, regarding the one phrase in Scripture: "This man Jesus...went about doing good..." It has inspired me, day after day, for about a week to ten days, now. I have fresh context for doing good - a context I didn't have before. I see in my spirit a brand new zeal to simply find someone, and do good. Good, for its own sake, is so....so good....so God-like.
Maybe I could share about my own personal version of Lauds and Vespers? Lovely thoughts, those.
Blast it, I can't choose.
We Don't Have It All Together...
...but together we have it all. You are looking at a mother and her sons (Isaac, me, and Josiah)...three people who are full of faults, foibles, quirks, sins, thoughtless deeds, deep thoughts, and in some areas we each one possess more than a fair share of talent.
As parents, mine and Tim's relationship with our boys has been tested and tried this past year, and all while dealing with profound challenges and transition in our lives, while planning our daughter's wedding, while pouring out our hearts in the gospel, while swimming around the fishbowl of being a ministry family. It doesn't matter whether the fishbowl is small or large, a fishbowl is a fishbowl, and we live in one.
Tim and I have had to put up with criticism from one or two regarding our parenting, our personality, our words, and probably even our animals. (!!) I would not be a bit surprised if even our poodle's misbehavior was attributed to our emphasis on the gospel of grace. The scrutinization has been excruciatingly petty at times, and at other times it has been used by God to bring adjustment.
Bottom line? We just can't seem to be able to force anyone or any creature behave as it ought. How utterly inept, no?
Well, my answer to that, and the real point of this blog post, is that "those who preach the gospel should live of the gospel." Now I realize the original context of this verse quoted was to validate the idea that some men will make their living by serving the church. Still yet, the logic holds up - those who preach the sufficiency of Christ will be challenged to live it out in the secret place of relationship. Those who preach the finished work of Christ better be ready to deal with the "togetherness" of that finished work's reality.
Don't preach the gospel until you are willing to walk it out in in very real and sacrificial ways. Your opinion can be your version of the perfect world, and there are no real relationships in a perfect world. The gospel itself has no context outside relationships. God wanted relationship with us, and went to the ultimate length to make it possible. We, in turn, do the same in each and every significant relationship we have.
People can be so inappropriate. I could very well be the princess of inappropriate. No matter. The worst inappropriate-ness there is, is to imagine yourself to be superior.
At the most basic level, a Christian is to be an imitator of God, and thus we most certainly can give something akin to divine grace to others. We can be a conduit of a small amount of undeserved blessing, if you will. I call it "manifesting the faithful love of Christ to the ones we care about." Nothing in this world will mature you and perfect you like living the gospel out in relationship will do in you.
"The Kingdom offends our sense of propriety because it's filled with inappropriate people. But, that's its greatest Gospel glory." ~Thomas Chalmers~
Sunday Afternoon
A Harvest Church covered dish dinner, today - great food, sweet fellowship, and adorable babies.
It was a crowd. I could not believe the line at the food tables!
This is about half the line....and a bunch had already been through.
Our youth pastor and his son...
To know this girl is to love her!
In line for ham, pulled pork BBQ, casseroles, salads, desserts galore...
These sisters take their NFL football sort of seriously.
Harvest men take their yard-football totally seriously. Jeff Kear is in big trouble for ruining an entire outfit this afternoon. Does he care? Nah...
A mother's love. (Our Angel and her son Jordan...)
Our much-loved motorcycling couple (Phillip was the national champion vintage bike racer a few years back!)
The tall guy in the dark sweater and glasses is our very first "home grown" missionary. We will be sending him on his first long-term stint to Cambodia in January. (see http://www.lightincambodia.org/)
The farmhouse...
goat pen...
Pre-shus!
beautiful fall colors - one of the many pastoral views on the farm this afternoon.Practicing His Presence
I have had in my possession for many years, an unequaled classic by Brother Lawrence, "The Practice of the Presence of God" written over 300 years ago as a compilation of his personal letters to close friends.
Brother Lawrence left the presumed stillness and serenity of the countryside to join a Carmelite monastery. He came to deeply doubt the effectiveness of the whole "alone with God all the time" lifestyle, wishing instead to live with a brotherhood. He felt, and I quote, "Life within such a group is based on the firm rock of Jesus Christ, rather than on the shifting sands of individual devotion. Also the members of the group could edify and exhort one another, thus protecting themselves against the changeableness of their individual whims."
Brother Lawrence was known as a hard worker, and one for whom no job was too small. He said, "To think we must abandon conversation with God in order to deal with the world is erroneous."
One of Brother Lawrence's close friends wrote this about him, "He thought it was a shame that some people pursued certain activities, mistaking the means for the end. " In one of his letters, Lawrence himself wrote, "The only requirement is that we place our confidence entirely on God. Abandon any other concerns, including any special devotions you have undertaken simply as a means to an end. God is our end. If we are diligently practicing His presence, we won't need our former means."
"The King, who is full of goodness and mercy, does not punish me. Rather, He embraces me lovingly, and invites me to eat at His table. He serves me Himself, and gives me the keys to His treasury...He converses with me without mentioning my sins or His forgiveness. My former habits are seemingly forgotten."
"The most intimate union with God is the practice of His presence. The actual presence of God. Although this relationships with God is totally spiritual, it is quite dynamic, because the soul is not asleep, rather, it is powerfully excited! In this state, the soul is livelier than fire, and brighter than the unclouded sun, yet at the same time, it is tender and devout."
Because God led Brother Lawrence more by love than by the fear of His judgement, his counsel tended to inspire the same kind of love. He encouraged other Christians to rely on God's love to lead them, rather than the knowledge of learned men. He used to tell his brothers, "It is the Creator who teaches truth, who in one moment instructs the heart of the humble and makes him understand more about faith and even about Himself, than if he had studied them for a long term of years.
It was for this reason Brother Lawrence carefully avoided answering those curious questions that lead nowhere, and only served to burden the spirit and dry up the heart.
He walked in deep revelation of grace, and I close with this quote, which I also embrace as my own. Brother Lawrence said it first, but hear it being said in my own voice, those of you who know what my voice sounds like:
"If you think of me, remember the grace with which God has blessed me rather than my typically human ineptitude."
I'll be here, practicing the presence of God the way Br. Lawrence taught me, the way some practice music or speaking a language or practice yoga. I'll be here, busy but refreshed, bustling but calm, praying to God and hearing from God as I go about the business of my day, as well as setting aside "quiet time". Both setting aside time to pray, and praying without ceasing, with full and equal awareness of God's presence is the secret. A full life and full schedule is something to be delighted in, and I want to thank Brother Lawrence, when I see him someday, for teaching me the secret of practicing God's presence, even when I am in the midst of the most busy, stressful, or tedious event. There is an art to it...I almost dare to say you'd have difficulty learning it apart from this great work, "The Practice of the Presence of God" by Brother Lawrence.
He was a man of great grace revelation.
Brother Lawrence left the presumed stillness and serenity of the countryside to join a Carmelite monastery. He came to deeply doubt the effectiveness of the whole "alone with God all the time" lifestyle, wishing instead to live with a brotherhood. He felt, and I quote, "Life within such a group is based on the firm rock of Jesus Christ, rather than on the shifting sands of individual devotion. Also the members of the group could edify and exhort one another, thus protecting themselves against the changeableness of their individual whims."
Brother Lawrence was known as a hard worker, and one for whom no job was too small. He said, "To think we must abandon conversation with God in order to deal with the world is erroneous."
One of Brother Lawrence's close friends wrote this about him, "He thought it was a shame that some people pursued certain activities, mistaking the means for the end. " In one of his letters, Lawrence himself wrote, "The only requirement is that we place our confidence entirely on God. Abandon any other concerns, including any special devotions you have undertaken simply as a means to an end. God is our end. If we are diligently practicing His presence, we won't need our former means."
"The King, who is full of goodness and mercy, does not punish me. Rather, He embraces me lovingly, and invites me to eat at His table. He serves me Himself, and gives me the keys to His treasury...He converses with me without mentioning my sins or His forgiveness. My former habits are seemingly forgotten."
"The most intimate union with God is the practice of His presence. The actual presence of God. Although this relationships with God is totally spiritual, it is quite dynamic, because the soul is not asleep, rather, it is powerfully excited! In this state, the soul is livelier than fire, and brighter than the unclouded sun, yet at the same time, it is tender and devout."
Because God led Brother Lawrence more by love than by the fear of His judgement, his counsel tended to inspire the same kind of love. He encouraged other Christians to rely on God's love to lead them, rather than the knowledge of learned men. He used to tell his brothers, "It is the Creator who teaches truth, who in one moment instructs the heart of the humble and makes him understand more about faith and even about Himself, than if he had studied them for a long term of years.
It was for this reason Brother Lawrence carefully avoided answering those curious questions that lead nowhere, and only served to burden the spirit and dry up the heart.
He walked in deep revelation of grace, and I close with this quote, which I also embrace as my own. Brother Lawrence said it first, but hear it being said in my own voice, those of you who know what my voice sounds like:
"If you think of me, remember the grace with which God has blessed me rather than my typically human ineptitude."
I'll be here, practicing the presence of God the way Br. Lawrence taught me, the way some practice music or speaking a language or practice yoga. I'll be here, busy but refreshed, bustling but calm, praying to God and hearing from God as I go about the business of my day, as well as setting aside "quiet time". Both setting aside time to pray, and praying without ceasing, with full and equal awareness of God's presence is the secret. A full life and full schedule is something to be delighted in, and I want to thank Brother Lawrence, when I see him someday, for teaching me the secret of practicing God's presence, even when I am in the midst of the most busy, stressful, or tedious event. There is an art to it...I almost dare to say you'd have difficulty learning it apart from this great work, "The Practice of the Presence of God" by Brother Lawrence.
He was a man of great grace revelation.
Tired For All the Right Reasons
So much being written these days about "quiet stillness" and "slowing down" and "taking time to just be". I've been the source of some of it in recent months and years! How boring. How overdone.
And here I go ("again", my grumpy critics would say - all critics are grumpy)
Fine. Here I go again...contradicting my own self.
I am so comfortable with that. First of all, life is full of paradox and replete with contradiction. I can have a good day and a bad day, all in the same day! I want to live a simplified-sort of life, yet I want to accomplish a thousand worthy goals. I can love someone and sometimes not like them. The only thing I can't do is care and not care enough to take responsibility at the same time. But I hear that some folks manage to do it. If that is you, please tell me your secret. Because when I don't take responsibility, I would have to admit that it is because I don't care.
But in general, I am on good terms with contradiction. I understand it. Rainbows cannot exist without two seeming opposites (sun, rain) coming together.
Think of me as the personification of a rainbow. I am colorful. I am a study in contrasts. Get over it. I don't care, and therefore refuse to be responsible. It's my blog. If it bothers you, go read someone boringly bored-in on one perspective. Go read the stilted paragraphs of an intellectual knot-on-a-log, who just happens to be really trying hard to think pretty, happy thoughts, to compensate for being innately grumpy about everyone else's salvation. Go read an Arminian. Me? I happen to own it all! (see blog post from August entitled "I Own That")
Contradiction, contrast, paradox, mystery...it all belongs to me, and it all fills me with unjaded - and some tell me contagious - delight.
So. I'm completely worn out, and it is wonderful. My life is anything BUT quiet and sweet and still-ly serene, and that's something to be jealous of. I've learned that all that "simple, quiet" stuff is all so much bull, anyway. Two types of people carry on about being quiet and serene, as if it were better than being beautiful and busy: people who are bored with too much time on their hands, or people who have not yet mastered the art of inner stillness, regardless of outer circumstances.
No one has the authority to talk to you about the stillness of God unless they are currently in the middle of the busiest, most complicated season of their life. No one has the authority to talk to you about scheduling unless they don't have the time to talk to you about scheduling, but they fit it into their schedule anyway. No one has the authority to talk to you about joy unless they are always smiling, after having to fight for their joy. No one has the authority to talk to you about mending fences unless they have mended most of theirs, and no one has the authority to talk to you about relationships unless they are busy loving a whole lot of people.
No one has the authority to talk to you about authority unless they themselves are under authority.
Yeah - Biblical logic trumps everything.
I've been too busy on one side, and I've been too still on the other side. Being too busy is better.
See...being too still makes you feel exhausted. Being too busy makes you feel exhausted, but for all the right reasons.
And that kind of exhaustion is both appropriate and curable. All it takes to cure that kind of fatigue is a bath or a nap. I find myself awakening early in this season of my life, feeling rested and ready most days. I typically lay in bed for awhile longer, savoring the start of a new day, and that is about all the "quiet time" I ever see.
I have recently decided that...honestly, now...I love it. I'm tired, and I'm delighted! I'm worn out from doing the work of tending relationships, and diving into new friendships, sink or swim! I'm tired from the creative outflow of writing, planting, harvesting, helping others, growing, mastering new skills, making new intellectual connections and maintaining all I've studied so far. It takes a whole lot of effort to do what you know!
Next year, I might prattle on about the simple, still life again. If I do, I hope I find a way to make it interesting. For now, I'm burning the candle at both ends, and it feels like a party.
It is both healthy and desirable to burn the candle at both ends, when you can afford another box of candles anytime you want them. An empty schedule equals an empty life. My daytimer is crammed full of names and events.
Such a full life. Makes me tired, just writing about it.
And here I go ("again", my grumpy critics would say - all critics are grumpy)
Fine. Here I go again...contradicting my own self.
I am so comfortable with that. First of all, life is full of paradox and replete with contradiction. I can have a good day and a bad day, all in the same day! I want to live a simplified-sort of life, yet I want to accomplish a thousand worthy goals. I can love someone and sometimes not like them. The only thing I can't do is care and not care enough to take responsibility at the same time. But I hear that some folks manage to do it. If that is you, please tell me your secret. Because when I don't take responsibility, I would have to admit that it is because I don't care.
But in general, I am on good terms with contradiction. I understand it. Rainbows cannot exist without two seeming opposites (sun, rain) coming together.
Think of me as the personification of a rainbow. I am colorful. I am a study in contrasts. Get over it. I don't care, and therefore refuse to be responsible. It's my blog. If it bothers you, go read someone boringly bored-in on one perspective. Go read the stilted paragraphs of an intellectual knot-on-a-log, who just happens to be really trying hard to think pretty, happy thoughts, to compensate for being innately grumpy about everyone else's salvation. Go read an Arminian. Me? I happen to own it all! (see blog post from August entitled "I Own That")
Contradiction, contrast, paradox, mystery...it all belongs to me, and it all fills me with unjaded - and some tell me contagious - delight.
So. I'm completely worn out, and it is wonderful. My life is anything BUT quiet and sweet and still-ly serene, and that's something to be jealous of. I've learned that all that "simple, quiet" stuff is all so much bull, anyway. Two types of people carry on about being quiet and serene, as if it were better than being beautiful and busy: people who are bored with too much time on their hands, or people who have not yet mastered the art of inner stillness, regardless of outer circumstances.
No one has the authority to talk to you about the stillness of God unless they are currently in the middle of the busiest, most complicated season of their life. No one has the authority to talk to you about scheduling unless they don't have the time to talk to you about scheduling, but they fit it into their schedule anyway. No one has the authority to talk to you about joy unless they are always smiling, after having to fight for their joy. No one has the authority to talk to you about mending fences unless they have mended most of theirs, and no one has the authority to talk to you about relationships unless they are busy loving a whole lot of people.
No one has the authority to talk to you about authority unless they themselves are under authority.
Yeah - Biblical logic trumps everything.
I've been too busy on one side, and I've been too still on the other side. Being too busy is better.
See...being too still makes you feel exhausted. Being too busy makes you feel exhausted, but for all the right reasons.
And that kind of exhaustion is both appropriate and curable. All it takes to cure that kind of fatigue is a bath or a nap. I find myself awakening early in this season of my life, feeling rested and ready most days. I typically lay in bed for awhile longer, savoring the start of a new day, and that is about all the "quiet time" I ever see.
I have recently decided that...honestly, now...I love it. I'm tired, and I'm delighted! I'm worn out from doing the work of tending relationships, and diving into new friendships, sink or swim! I'm tired from the creative outflow of writing, planting, harvesting, helping others, growing, mastering new skills, making new intellectual connections and maintaining all I've studied so far. It takes a whole lot of effort to do what you know!
Next year, I might prattle on about the simple, still life again. If I do, I hope I find a way to make it interesting. For now, I'm burning the candle at both ends, and it feels like a party.
It is both healthy and desirable to burn the candle at both ends, when you can afford another box of candles anytime you want them. An empty schedule equals an empty life. My daytimer is crammed full of names and events.
Such a full life. Makes me tired, just writing about it.
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