A Christian life based on my performance had bound my feet from a very young age. Thinking that my life could be blessed to any degree by keeping the law - my choosing to live under an expired covenant - had bound my feet, lo these many decades.
Suddenly, it had caught up with me. In a serious way, it had caught up with me. It was a severe mercy in my middle, and I thank God for it. Most spiritual renewals start out feeling like nervous breakdowns.
I fell in love with the God of all grace, as He really is. There I was, having been a Christian for 37 years, and only then was I falling in love with God as He really is...God, in the face of Jesus Christ.
Tears coursed down my cheeks one night, as I read these words, and felt them come alive:
Belatedly I loved thee,
O Beauty so ancient and so new, belatedly I loved thee.
For see, thou wast within and I was without, and I sought thee out there.
Unlovely, I rushed heedlessly among the lovely things thou hast made.
Thou wast with me, but I was not with thee.
These things kept me far from thee; even though they were not at all unless they were in thee.
Thou didst call and cry aloud, and didst force open my deafness.
Thou didst gleam and shine, and didst chase away my blindness.
Thou didst breathe fragrant odors and I drew in my breath; and now I pant for thee.