Mid-Life Coping Skills {31 Days of Celebrating Middle Age}

                                         (prints and cards of the above art are available here )

First of all, many thanks to my Detroit friend Louise Trombley for the idea-seed for this particular post...

Come, my people, enter thou into thy chambers, and shut thy doors about thee: hide thyself as it were for a little moment, until the indignation be overpast.   (Isaiah 26:20)

We've been talking about how intensely practical this thing called "Soul Care" really is.  I want to share with you just one of the many new coping skills I have learned in the last 5 years - one that has comforted and ultimately protected me.  I am so grateful to Louise for linking a Scripture to this concept for me.

In times of excruciating emotional pain (please believe me...I have been there) I have learned to do...nothing.  Not even pray.  I happen to believe that I live my life in the presence of God, and that He hears my groanings when they cannot be uttered.

I.  Do.  Nothing.  I send no four-alarm emails, I don't rally friends to prayer, I don't call my best girlfriend, I don't even talk to my husband.  I "enter into my chambers and shut my door and hide myself" until the strong emotions, like a tornado churning through the landscape of my soul, pass over me. 

In the above Isaiah scripture, "indignation" can really be any excruciatingly intense emotion.  It could be anger or despair or hopelessness or offense. The good news is, it will be "overpast" soon...that death angel has to pass over, because I am covered by the blood of Christ.

To call a friend, or friends - to plaster my negative emotions on (God forbid) Facebook - to sound the alarm and call a prayer meeting would be to make it all about my emotion du' jour (the feeling of the moment).  It would be to tweak the emotions of every person who cares about me - over a feeling that will soon be 'overpast'.

Bear with me, I know this goes against the feminine grain.  I am not talking about an unhealthy independence.  I am not saying we don't need the support of others in our life.  I am simply saying that you need to "hide yourself" when you are under the influence.

You know what I mean.

Once I've "sobered up", when the "indignation be overpast",   then I send that email.  I call that friend.  I mention the issue to the awesome girlfriend with whom I meet weekly for prayer.  I sit down and talk to my Preacher about it. 

But only when I am in control of my emotions, not my emotions controlling me.

Paul David Tripp, in his incredible book Lost in the Middle puts it this way:

"In moments of deep personal disappointment...we often let our hurt set the agenda for us.  And when we do, we inevitable live to regret those decisions and the legacy they leave behind.  This too, is a danger of the midlife struggle.  In moments of disappointment and disorientation, in the grief of regret and the sadness at the death of our dreams, we are very vulnerable to making decisions that will add further trouble to the trouble we are already experiencing."

I believe with all my heart that it goes back to simply hiding yourself away until those strong emotions pass over you.

I pray you take this as the tool in your midlife toolbox it is meant to be.  Hopefully it won't be the most used tool in the toolbox...just the one tool that will make all the difference in the world at the right time.

Soul Care in Mid Life {31 Days of Celebrating Middle Age}

Every crisis in mid-life (and in any season of life) is brought on not by what has happened to us, but by what we think about what has happened to us. 

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. (Proverbs 4:23)

We middle-agers are old pros at defying this Biblical wisdom.  We guard our diets, we carefully monitor our carbs, we guard our 401K's, and we guard our "family time".

But life is found in none of those things.  In fact, a heart that is sick will adversely affect every single other area of our living...because out of your heart flows the direction of your life.  It is time to stop cleaning up the outside of the cup, like the good religious legalists we tend to be in mid-life. 

Thou blind Pharisee, cleanse first that which is within the cup and platter, that the outside of them may be clean also.  (Matthew 23)

All transformation of the God-sort, happens from the inside out, never from the outside in. 

Soul-care is the work of a lifetime.  It is daily, and it is prosaic and pragmatic and intensely practical.  Soul-care is not mystical.  It is less about spending hours and hours "with God" (though that is good, if you have that kind of time) and more about taking out the spiritual and emotional trash every. single. day.

Sometimes, on a heavy-cleaning day, you will have to take out the emotional trash many times in one day.  But everyone has to take out the trash at least once, every day.

Repeat after me:  this is good.  This is normal.

Where no oxen are, the crib is clean: but much increase is by the strength of the ox. (Proverbs 14:4)

If there is no trash, you aren't living life, you aren't making progress.  If you haven't been taking out the trash...well, your soul is a mess, I promise you.

Hey, I am in no position to judge.  I'm stuck in the middle with you. 

Let's clean it up.  Together.

Hey, Soul Sister! {Let's Talk About Our Middle-Aged Souls}

                                            (Prints and cards of this can be purchased here )

In his book, Mid-Life Course Correction , which I highly highly recommend, and in fact if you are  going to be in any "In the Middle" class that I teach, will be mandatory reading...

...in this highly recommended book (did I already say that?) Gordon MacDonald talks about the time when he was counseling a man who was in a full blown mid-life crisis.  He suggested to him to "designate a 45 day period during which you will dabble in studying the architecture of your whole life in order to set it on an entirely new course..."

Obviously, MacDonald was not telling this man to quit his job, or to become someone he wasn't, or divorce his wife, buy some sheep and chickens and "reinvent himself" in some dramatic way.  No, the most profound course corrections are the shifts in attitude. 

Always, always act from a fresh, new, optimistic, Christ-centered attitude.  Never make decisions when you are feeling discontent or at loose ends or depressed.  Actually, I cannot emphasize that enough.  Address the inner first, always.  The outer will follow.

It never works in reverse.

That's all we are doing, here.  We are taking 31 days to find a fresh, new outlook on this all-important middle-time of life.  After all, your middle entirely determines your end.  The choices you make here in your middle determine your outcome in a more profound way than even the choices you made when you began.

The Bible says nothing in particular about middle age, because the Bible tells us everything we need to know about middle age.  We truly need not consult any other oracle.  We aren't looking for text about middle age, we are looking for a context for middle age. 

Scripture gives us rich context.

"Sing and rejoice, O daughter of Zion:  for lo, I come, and I will dwell in your middle, saith the Lord." 
(Zechariah 2:10, quoted with only slight poetic license.  Look it up for yourself...)

31 Days of Celebrating Middle Age {Dress That Body}

Can I get an Amen?

The Message says it this way: 

"Her clothes are well-made and elegant, and she always faces tomorrow with a smile."

Being a preacher's wife - and of a small church - I know all about being frugal.  In fact, I would risk saying I can probably afford expensive clothes less than many people I know.

But I am worth more than the sale rack at Wal-Mart, and so are you.  You can get "well-made and elegant" from a thrift store for less than the Wal-Mart sale racks, you just have to know what to look for and how to look for it.

This has been something that has always meant a great deal to me, having been a fashionista all my life.  The amazing grace is, is that God has always seemed to provide for me, in this area.  And The Preacher loves it when I dress up, he loves my style, and wants me to look as good as I can for the budget we have.

The tiny budget we have.

If this is a sore spot with you, first I encourage you to take it to the Lord.  Ask Him why you can't seem to get into wearing pretty things.  It could be because of many root issues, all the way from childhood trauma, to current weight issues, to money issues, to a struggle with gender identity.  Just know this, dear one - it is normal and natural and healthy to want to look beautiful.  Seek healing and restoration in this area of your life, but seek it slowly.  It will come.

Next I encourage you to seek out a fashionista friend.  Find a woman who really knows how to dress for her body type, because chances are, she can tell you how to dress for yours!

If you are blessed enough to find a friend with that kind of time, ask her to come play in your closet with you - your own personal "What Not To Wear" session.  Toss what has not been working for you.

Go on...do it.

Here's my version of "silk and purple":

Sorry for the fuzzy iphone picture and my crazy "mood/inspiration wall" to the left, but Fit 3 jeans from Target are my life.  My world.  My best friends.

Okay, so I exaggerate.  But I do have 3 pair, gotten half price this past early-summer, and they are all I wear.  I own them in dark skinnies, long skinnies (the upturned cuff at the bottom is all the rage right now), and boot leg faded.  I got rid of pretty much every other pair of jeans I owned...ask my daughter Hannah.  She got them all.

Put them with a white T-shirt and some cute flats and a great belt, and you are done, girlfriend.

Silk and purple - a little bit country, a little bit rock n' roll.  Like me.

If you need more inspiration, join Jeanne Oliver's creative community and check out Paige Knudsen's class entitled "Let's Play Dress Up".  Joining the creative community is free.  Paige's class is just $10!

31 Days {...of celebrating middle age...I know, right? It's weird.}

S - Stretch and Strengthen
W - Water
A - Aerobic
P - Portion Control

Your middle aged body needs way less food than it used to.  As in way, way less.  As in, "actually exactly go by those illustrated portion control posters" less - and yes, I will be sharing that with you later in this post. 

But more than any picture that tells you never to eat a piece of skinless chicken bigger than a deck of cards, I want to ask you to get in touch with your feelings.

Not the feelings that make you cry and drink red wine and eat chocolate.  (Though swearing, red wine, and chocolate make me a nicer person.  The way I see it, I am serving my Preacher when I indulge in all three from time to time - now and then, all at the same time.  It's the most unselfish thing I can do for him.)

I am taking about your feelings of hunger and fullness, or hunger and satiation.

You are fearfully and wonderfully made, and given a chance, your body knows when it is hungry, and it knows when it is just satisfied.  That point when you are no longer starving, but not stuffed.

Satisfied.

Sometimes, I promise, that is only three bites.

But it's three bites of whatever-the-heck you want, no calorie counting, no worrying about fat grams or carbs or gluten.  Just listening deeply to your own body.  (Obviously I am not talking to those with diagnosed allergies to gluten - that is another topic and another blog besides mine, as I am not allergic to anything but legalists.  Ahem.)

You might think that, when you take "the law" off even your physical body, that your body will react violently by demanding...well, red wine and chocolate...24/7.

You might crave those things - so have some.  Honestly, if you are normal at all, eventually you will want spinach.  And almonds.  And grilled chicken.  And fruit.  Call it the "grace diet", call it what you will, all I know is that it works, and it is backed by sound nutritional science.  (Read the work of Debra Waterhouse here  and here  and here)

No laws.  Not even for food.  Actually, that's Biblical - as in, New Covenant Biblical.  Within reason, using the common sense God gave us, we can bless our food - "sanctifying it with thanksgiving" - and partake of anything we wish.

Now, just so you have a place to start, here is that poster that tells you all those interesting portion sizes:

I have unnaturally small hands (not even lying) so this can be a problem for me.

The only law you need live under, is the perfect law of liberty.  You can do all things in Christ, including enjoy food again, be healthy, know when you are hungry and know when you are satisfied, and watch those portions.

Aerobic {SWAP that Middle Aged Body}

Welcome to 31 Days of Celebrating Middle Age!

S - Stretch and Strengthen
W - Water
A - Aerobic
P - Portion Control

Notice I didn't write "aerobicS"...I wrote "aerobic".  Aerobic simply means "with oxygen". 

No one burns fat without oxygen.  In fact, the whole reason aerobics (with an "s") as we used to know it works, is that the increased intake of oxygen fires up your body's fat burning capacity. 

So I want to tell you the 80/20 exercise secret - the 20% of your effort that will yield 80% of your desired result:

Deep breathing.

Walking...while deep breathing.

No, seriously.  Come back!  I mean it!  Those two things, they are like magic, man.  Not even lying.

Once again, "aerobic" just means "with oxygen".  No treadmill required - I hate those things.  Get outside, where your body has to adapt to hot or cold weather.

Those two things, deep breathing and walking, will revolutionize your life if they haven't already (and if you already do them, you can happily move on to the blog that celebrates "31 Days of Stuff I Never Heard Before"):

Remember when "aerobic" meant this:

My sister and I actually did this:



I can hear you now:  "Oh. No.  You.  Di-in't."

Oh.  Yes.  We.  Did.

Ask our children.  Ask their therapist.  (Just kidding...they didn't get therapy.  They still carry the scars, actually.)

Aren't you glad I am not sharing that resource?

Here is what I know will make a big difference for you:

Jumpstart Your Metabolism  by Pam Grout.

Just like with the Miracle Ball method, I shared this book with a friend, this time another pastor's wife.  I gave it to her to take home with her when she and her husband were visiting with us for a week.  She later let me know that it blessed her immeasurably.  She was noticeably calmer, more serene, and had lots more energy and had even dropped a few pounds.

disclaimer:  My pastor's wife friend is a big girl, and a sharp thinker.  I think you are too.  I am trusting you to be a good sorter...a good gleaner...and discard any New Age mumbo jumbo blah blah blah that you may find in this book, and keep some of the great deep breathing exercises...mmmm-kay?

Once you master just a few deep breathing techniques, combine them with your daily prayer walk. 



I think you'll be amazed.

SWAP That Body {31 Days of Celebrating Middle Age}

No one , with the exception of those with injuries who need physical therapy, has to have a gym to become fit.  I will say it again:  to any girl who insists she has to have a gym, I will simply tell her to "drop and give me 50".

Push-ups.  I promise, if you do as many as you can, every other day, they will be effective.

Or how about just 25 burpees?

But first, before metaphorical girl takes me up on my challenge, she better be hydrated.

Seriously, water - pure, clean water - is the singlemost important adjustment you can make to your overall health, if you have (like me) not been drinking enough.

S - stretch and strengthen
W - water
A - aerobics
P - portion control


Today I want to bless you with a(nother) resource and a recipe.

Your Body's Many Cries for Water

Before I give you a synopsis of this book, I am first compelled to go get me a big glass of filtered water...no, really.  I will be right back.

Here is a summary, as stated on the page at Amazon.com



For the first time in medical history, F. Batmanghelidj, M.D., has identified the crisis calls of the body for water --pain, asthma, diabetes, hypertension, multiple sclerosis, chronic fatigue syndrome, and more. He has discovered the key to a longer, healthier, and more vigorous life. He shares with you his medical breakthrough that many people put their minds and bodies under intolerable and unnecessary stress and become sick simply because they do not drink enough water. Unintentional dehydration leads to illness and painful, degenerative diseases that can be prevented, treated, and cure by drinking plenty of water.

You will learn how to use water to:

 * Prevent and reverse premature aging
* Eliminate pains including heartburn, back pain, arthritis, colitis pain, anginal pain, migraine              headaches
* Cure asthma in a few days, naturally and forever
* Cure hypertension without diuretics or other medication
* Lose weight effortlessly and naturally, without strict dieting

It is very important that your water be filtered.  The Preacher and I were gifted with this water filter, several years ago, and it is completely amazing.  Contact me  if you don't have an Amway distributor, and are interested in purchasing the best filter money can buy. 

I am not an Amway distributor, and I make nothing by connecting you with the person who gave us our Amway water filter. 


Here is "my"  recipe for healthy, sugar-free lemonade...a great way to  both increase your water
intake, and get the amazing detoxing benefits of lemon...



~ Have your Preacher drill a hole in the lid of one of your canning jars
~ buy some cute pink striped straws
~the juice of one lemon
~a small canning jar of (filtered) water
~a packet of Stevia
~a slice of said lemon

shake, shake...shake, shake...

Enjoy.